"when everything is out, you gotta take it in"

After two weeks without yoga due to time frolicking in the woods taking part in pudding eating contests, last night I returned to my safe haven on St Marks. I felt like the Tin Man who needed to be oiled; it had been too long since I stretched into downward dog. Yoga has played an integral role in my health over the last year and even more so in the last few months. Allow me to share my class with you tonight, and explain just how much this practice is doing for me these days. I am still very much a beginner, but I love how much I have to look forward to in working towards my new found goals.

There are so many reasons why I began going to class, and after I started practicing I came up with a whole other list of reasons to stay with it. Physically it is helping me maintain flexibility which I started rapidly losing once I stopped dancing. It is also helping to make sure my hips (which are a mess from years of dance) are able to be rehabilitated. It helps relieve the tension I carry in my neck, my posture, my alignment, and most importantly keeps my tush lifted and my arms toned. Yoga does my body good. Mentally, it trains me to leave my problems and worries on the “outside of my mat” for the 60 minutes during class, therefore giving my brain a break as well. This is hard to do and takes an insane amount of effort from me to keep thoughts out of my head and focus only on poses and breathing. The benefits though are incredible. After not thinking of my troubles for an hour, I feel as if I lost weight when class is over. I actually feel lighter. My head feels happy. And the more I practice, the closer I feel myself becoming able to actually meditate. Meditating is something I always assumed would never be possible for me. When I lie down and close my eyes I see my grocery list, my pile of laundry, and assignments that are due at school. Then I start going down the list of obligations:
“need to buy that congratulations card for the “so and so”s for their new baby girl. Must write check out for Time Warner Cable before end of day. Need a new metro card. How much money do I want to put on the metro card? Is an unlimited worth it for me? I haven’t left the upper east side all summer. Maybe that’s the problem. I am going to buy an unlimited metro card tonight and then spend the rest of my summer exploring the east and west village via public transportation.” I mean really. Stop talking Jessica. But I am getting much much better these days at shutting that girl up during yoga, and it’s making me really, really happy.

Tonights class was perfect. The moment class started as I sat there on my mat, my hips feeling tighter than ever, the most intense thunderstorm began outside. There I was in a room with 60 people, a wonderful instructor, beautiful music playing, and a thunderstorm to orchestrate the whole thing. The room was dark and three perfect windows allowed us to watch the grey skies and rain hit on its side from the wind. Our instructor says “allow your outside thoughts to disappear for now, focus on the rain, focus on the thunder, and focus on waking up your body”. I pictured myself on a megaphone waking my body up, and I could almost hear the creaking noises as my ankles rotated and my wrists began to hold my body in a push up position.

Early in the hour is one of my favorite parts of class. The “chair” pose. In this pose you keep your toes and knees facing forward, feet hip distance apart, and you squat to a low level where it appears you are sitting in a tiny, invisible chair. Stretching your arms up over your head, widening your fingers, and tilting your head towards the sky; this position becomes heated very quickly. The class is often heard making noises, breathing deeply, or laughing as we all are shaking and ready to fall to the floor. During this part I think to myself “you love this pose. This pose has allowed you to pee in public bathrooms easily without ever having to touch the seat. This pose is what helps you reach those goals for your lifted, toned, grab-able tush. If you quit early on this pose, you are quitting on your tush”.
And then I laugh. By the time I entertain myself with that thought, the instructor tells us we can drop to the floor.

The class gradually becomes more difficult. We are asked in our push up position to lower ourselves 2/3 of the way and hold it. Here comes more moans, and I can hear my sweat hitting my mat. It makes a "tap" sound. Instructor says (in a very inspirational tone of voice) “if you are unable to do this part, then go into childs pose that is OK. This is your class and you have the right to feel motivated the entire time, but remember you must practice on motivating yourself because I won’t always be here”.
You see, yoga does not just physically and mentally train me; it gives me a moment like that where a giant light bulb over my head is turned on by wise words of a 20 something instructor at a donation based yoga studio in the East Village. I believe her. So as the next bead of sweat drips into my left eye, I go back down into my half push up and hold it there. Until I fall. And I am OK with falling. It means I tried until the end.

The most challenging part of class for me is the “pigeon” pose, which is meant to open your hips. My hips are in so much pain, and they certainly cannot do what they were asked to do 10 years ago for competition dancing. We are expected to sit in this pose for some time, and bring our focus back to relaxing and breathing. My awesomely wise instructor continues to motivate:
“During class you may have had moments where your mind slipped again into thoughts of what you are doing after class, or what you need to do tomorrow morning, or what may be bothering you these days. Take this time to bring it back, even if you have to say to yourself “I am inhaling, 1..2..3..4..I am exhaling, 1..2..3..4, I am inhaling 1..2..3..4..”

So that is what I did. I started saying to myself over and over again that I was inhaling and exhaling. It helped. It temporarily chased away my side thoughts that had been creeping into my time on my mat. I spend every other minute of every other day with an over active brain. If I don’t put it to rest during yoga, then it doesn’t get put to rest that week. This is a very important goal of mine, to be able to put my over active brain on hold. I make it through pigeon, and we close with some ab work before going into our final position of rest. The storm lasted the entire class. In fact, I even walked to the subway after in the rain. I went home, baked a batch of “lemonade cupcakes”, showered, and went to bed. I feel like I did something good for myself tonight, and I am happy I marched myself downtown for it.

I leave for you the song that was playing in class as the thunderstorm rolled by, and I sat in my pigeon pose working on my hips. It is a beautiful version of “I want to hold your hand”, and I had a picture perfect moment with it in class.
In good health,
Namaste <3